Melissa: Evan what are the things you keep reading in male client’s profiles that have you shaking your head and wanting to say ‘dude, stop shooting yourself in the foot!’
Evan: Even though my business is all about writing the best profile, the one that’s going to make you stand out in a crowd, the most important thing is having a quality picture. It sort of goes without saying. You’re not even going to bother reading someone’s profile if you don’t find them attractive.
Melissa: For those who are sort of at the ‘remedial level’ of Internet dating why is that picture of you with your friends on the fishing trip with the backwards baseball cap not a good idea?
Evan: I think the best way to figure out what a good picture, similar with a good essay, or a good user name, or a good headline, is to go through all the other men and woman and see what captures your eye. You should try to emulate those.
Melissa: So you need to do your research?
Evan: Right. You wouldn’t want anyone coming to meet you looking completely different than their picture, so why wouldn’t you have a picture that reflects how you look right now? If you don’t look as good as you want to look right now, this might not be the time to be dating.
Melissa: That’s a really good point. You and I have similar thoughts on the kind of energy people spend on their love lives. So talk a little bit about that. You use business as a metaphor quite a bit and I think that’s a wonderful way of talking about it in a way that everyone can understand.
Evan: Right. My big metaphor is between job hunting and spouse hunting. If someone is unemployed for a week, a month, a year, three years, at a certain point where it’s unacceptable’.but people don’t have the same sense of urgency when it comes to their love life, even though if you ask anybody if you ask them what’s more important ‘work’ or ‘love’ they’re going to say love, but they don’t actually bare this out in practice.
Evan: If someone’s unemployed what are you going to do? You’re going to go get yourself a resume’, you’re going to proof read it a thousand times, make sure it high-lights all of your best qualities. It’s not going to say ‘worked as secretary, hated it, got coffee, quit’ it’s going to talk about your being an ‘was executive assistant liaison to blah blah blah blah” and you’re going to make yourself sound like a super star because that’s what’s going to get you in the door to get the job.
That should be your essay for your online profile, needless to say, but the salient point is the effort that one puts in. So if you’re looking for a job you get you’re a resume, you write cover letters, you put yourself on Monster.com, you find a head hunter, you do leg work, you make phone calls, you bug your friends. You do whatever the hell you have to do because you have to pay the bills, you have to eat, and you don’t have any choices in the matter. Why doesn’t anybody put any of this effort into their love life? Why do people just slap up whatever photo, slap up a four line essay, and then wonder why this online dating thing isn’t working for them?
When you’re looking for a job you got ‘x’ hours in a day to invest in finding a new job, why wouldn’t you spend that kind of time until you find the person who’s the love of your life? Whatever it takes, that’s how important it is.
Melissa: I totally agree with you.
Evan: I get a little preachy.
Melissa: I love the way you put it. I think you put it in terms that men will understand and I think they need to hear it. I get mad at people online who think they’re ‘special’ and don’t need to answer the questions, or post a photo, and make an effort.
Evan: What you get out is what you put in. That’s the way I run my personal online dating consulting business. I force people to do the work. I’m the personal trainer and you’re the one lifting the weights. You have to do the work, it doesn’t get done itself. If you want a catch, we’ll use you as an example, you’re an attractive intelligent woman, you’re not going to respond to man who doesn’t make an effort, who doesn’t take the time to do it. So many men think ‘ah, no one’s going to read this, no one cares’ and it’s just not true. If you’re wondering why you’re not getting any results you have no one to blame but yourself. It’s not all these ‘bitches’ online who are ignoring you.
Melissa: Right, and another reason is that the tables are slowing turning, and women are gradually starting to write to men now more and more.
Evan: Right. I find online dating to be an equalizing medium. It’s not like ‘hey, buy me a drink big boy’ it’s ‘hey, read your profile you sound really fascinating’. It’s finding some commonality and when you’re actually going on that date it’s doesn’t matter who contacted whom. Most of my own good dating experiences happened from women contacting me.
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